I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize