Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How does one acquire holy water?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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