even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
