Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
