Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
