I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
