Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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