Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
