i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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