I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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