Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
