Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize