what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
