Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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