that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
