What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
did i walk over a car last night?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
