"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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