I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
