Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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