Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
