Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
