Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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