i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
