mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
