i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
