the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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