Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
