in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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