Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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