WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
