I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
