its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
