If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
