she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
