wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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