He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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