I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
