so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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