I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
