i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
