I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
