my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
