she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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