You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize