i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
