People in love make me want to vomit
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
