I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
