yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Actions speak louder than pants.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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