I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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