Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
