Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
