Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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