And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
