my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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