he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
